General News
Dutton explains when he said ‘left-wing threats’ he was referring to Inner West baboons

Federal Minister for Home Affairs and part time McCains mascot Peter Dutton has today clarified earlier comments likening far-left groups to the recent spate of neo-nazi linked mass murders.

“I’m afraid my words have been taken out of context, I’m not a monster after all,” explained Dutton while smothering a toddler. “What I was actually referring to was the dangerous residents of Sydney’s Inner West, like those radioactive baboons that just escaped from Royal Prince Alfred hospital.”

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Asked why exactly a hospital in inner-Sydney is apparently holding baboons captive, Dutton explained that it was a specific favour to him, as he had asked doctors if they could create a pack of winged monkeys to bounce around him with joy whenever he holds a press conference or threatens to murder a young girl’s dog.

“The fact is though, that I will be vigilant about threats whether they come from the right, the left, or from the invisible African gangs that are plaguing Melbourne,” explained Dutton. “I mean after all it’s not just far-right groups that are dangerous, for every Christchurch shooter, pipe-bomb mailer, German gunman, UK Labor member murderer, Norway Young-Labor slaughter, Munich mall shooter, Tallahassee shooter, Toronto van attacker, Quebec City mosque shooter, Sweden school attacker, Charleston church shooter, Wisconsin Sikh temple shooter or Umpqua Community College shooter, there’s a left-wing extremist just waiting in the wings for the right moment to give everyone socialised dental.”

The Chaser