Australian government to introduce level 2 toilet paper restrictions

The Australian government has today rolled out level two toilet paper restrictions in the face of national shortages. The move, which will come into effect this afternoon, will see Australians limited to folding their toilet paper instead of scrunching it, or doing that weird thing that some people do where they wrap their hand in it to make a glove.

The move is expected to be particularly hard on that one housemate in every sharehouse who seems to manage to go through an entire roll a day somehow, with other Australians expected to be largely unaffected. “Yea actually it’ll probably be for the best,” said one sharehouse resident Gus Waller today. “I don’t think Greg’s parents told him you’re not supposed to use up an entire roll in a single bog sesh. It’s not exactly something I’m going to bring up, but it’ll seriously cut down on household expenses if we don’t have to buy a fresh 12 pack every second day.”

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The restrictions will come with a range of other restrictions, with cheapskate college students asked to just fork out the extra 50c for an actual box of Kleenex for their living room table, and teenage boys being requested to transition to using socks in certain applicable cases. Purchasers of 3-and-up-ply will also be asked to seperate each sheet into single ply, and to distribute the excess amongst friends and neighbours who are in need, until enough of the population is killed off by coronavirus that there is again enough toilet paper for everyone.

The Chaser