Multi-billionaire Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has this week announced the company will be introducing a raft of compassionate measures to help staff who are forced to work through the corona virus pandemic. Speaking from his solid gold throne while eating a plate of caviar, Bezos announced that for the next three weeks he would be allowing warehouse staff to take up to two turns of the pee bottle per shift, in what many Amazon employees are describing as a hard-fought-for win.
However, Amazon management were quick to point out that the change would only be temporary, and that staff should not get used to such luxuries. “Please do not throw out your company issued diapers,” read a company email this afternoon. “And any employees found to be exploiting the bottle allowance by spending more than 53 seconds away from the conveyer line will have the time deducted from the annual 5 minutes sick leave.”
Asked what he thought of the changes, Amazon worker Billy Smith said that he would be fired if he spoke to the press and to please leave because it was costing him seconds off his productivity rate. “Look man, I need this job,” explained Billy. “Oh god the red laser dot is on my forehead isn’t it, please dude just go, I love working here I swear it’s all rainbows and NO WAIT GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME NO I WAS GOOD I WAS GOOOOOOD.”