Six years into its regime of indefinitely detaining refugees in squalid island prisons, the government has claimed that repealing the Medevac laws will finally make seeking asylum in Australia an undesirable prospect.

“To anyone who thought that six years of torture in a bleak, joyless environment sounded enticing, we’ve sent a clear message – at the end of that torture, you won’t get to go to hospital for a bit”, said Officer Ray Cest, a spokesman for the Australian Border Force. “So there.”

Ray Cest said he was a proud opponent of the Medevac bill, which allowed sick refugees to receive the medical treatment they desperately needed. “I can hear the bleeding heart lefties moaning already; ‘sick people should be healed’, ‘humans have rights or something’, ‘blah blah blah blah’. I don’t buy it all. None of these things are as important as (lengthy pause in the interview as Officer Cest scrolled through his emails looking for his media briefing) the integrity of our borders.”

We reached out to Senator Jacqui Lambie’s office for a comment on why she supported the government’s repeal of Medevac, but only received a voice recording of a staffer breathing intensely into a microphone.