Transcript

Announcer: In times like these, it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you’re not listening to it. Instead, you’re listening to The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth: Welcome to The Chaser Report. I’m Charles Firth, and today we have a big surprise on this show. Big, big news, Andrew Hansen, hello. How are you going?

Andrew Hansen: Yeah look, not bad Charles Firth. I like how you drop the H from my name. Makes it sound nice and casual here. Andrew Ansen.

Dom Knight: Andrew Ansen.

Charles Firth: Hey Dom, how are you going? How the hell are you, Dom Knight?

Dom Knight: I am as always in awe of your silky tongue hosting skills Charles, thank you.

Charles Firth: Anyway, we do have big, big news, really big news. The ratings for the podcast have come out. It’s a monthly ranker, and we have debuted in the podcast rankings at number 68. What do you think, guys?

Andrew Hansen: Oh, look, this has exceeded all my highest expectations, Charles. My parents always taught me to strive to be number 68. There’s no point in settling for the second best when you could be 68th instead.

Dom Knight: Does it only go down to 68? Like are there only 68 podcasts in Australia?

Andrew Hansen: It only goes down to 58, unfortunately.

Charles Firth: That’s actually not quite true. We’re actually in quite good company, because number 67 is the podcast called the SCA Queensland News. Which, it’s pretty auspicious company to be in.

Andrew Hansen: That’s a damn popular… I mean, don’t the Kardashians host that?

Charles Firth: Yeah, probably.

Andrew Hansen: That’s a huge hit.

Charles Firth: Then the number 69th podcast, which I must admit, I wish we were number 69. But it’s a podcast called Complete Drivel, so maybe actually we are 69th.

Dom Knight: What’s the difference with our podcast?

Charles Firth: I don’t know.

Dom Knight: So are you telling me Charles, that we are less popular than news about Queensland?

Charles Firth: Yes.

Dom Knight: We may as well give up, because we’re done, we’re finished, it’s over.

Charles Firth: Anyway looking through it, I think we have to convert our podcast to become a true crime podcast. Because, basically the first 20 slots are all just true crime.

Dom Knight: I mean, I’ve been arrested in the service of The Chaser, surely that counts for something.

Andrew Hansen: Ooh, hello.

Dom Knight: Shall we do a true crime podcast on ourselves?

Charles Firth: Well, my mom reckons this podcast is a true crime. Against humanity, she calls it. Coming up, we’ve got Isolebrity and Dom’s going to run us through the British version of the Melbourne Cup. But first of all, let’s head over to Rebecca De Unamuno in The Chaser newsroom.

Rebecca De Unamuno: South Australian premier Steven Marshall has revealed that the South Australian border has been open for months, but no one has noticed or bothered to visit. The South Australian Premier announced months ago that his state was open for business, but this news was flagged as false or misleading by Facebook. The Australian Labour party is not crooked or corrupt according to an internal investigation conducted by senior elders, Graham Richardson and Eddie Obeid. The investigation said that allegations made against Adem Somyurek were all just a silly misunderstanding, and that all the witnesses had mysteriously gone missing anyway. That’s The Chaser Report headlines. News you can’t trust.

Charles Firth: Thanks Bec. Hey, Bec, isn’t it great that we’re number 68 in the rankings?

Rebecca De Unamuno: Yeah, that’s great for you.

Charles Firth: I mean, do you like the show?

Rebecca De Unamuno: Me? No, I don’t listen. Not really my taste.

Charles Firth: Oh, right. Oh, okay. Well, fair enough.

Announcer: The Chaser Report number 68.

Announcer: When you want your news turn to the 68th most trusted news source. The Chaser Report.

Dom Knight: Now, Charles and Andrew, every year since 1946, Queen Elizabeth II has gone to the races for five consecutive days. 68 times she’s been as queen, until this year, and Royal Ascot is on at the moment, and it’s a very unusual version of Royal Ascot. We’ll get to that, but I want to give you a sense of the kind of levels of excitement generated when the Queen goes to the races. I mean, listen to this commentator at last year’s Prince of Wales stakes.

Audio clip: It’s calm. I was waiting. I was waiting, and if you wait patiently magical, a hundred grand at seven to four, in the ring, the money is down. Can they pick it up, Richard Miles? Magical. Can she be magical?

Dom Knight: Amazingly about that clip is that the horses haven’t even started racing yet. Have a listen to the next bit of the clip.

Audio clip: Magical! Can she be magical? So the Prince of Wales’ stakes [inaudible 00:04:48] are loaded away and they’re sent on their journey.

Dom Knight: That’s while they’re standing in the stalls.

Charles Firth: Yes. Yes. Look, he might be a bit tipsy, we’ll get to that as well. The twist this year is that everyone has to watch at home. There’s no crowd at all at the racetrack. So the question is how interesting is the event without fashions and drinking and the Royal family? I’m suspecting not very, but let’s explore this world before we get to this year’s version of the posher, yet more pissed Royal version of our very own Melbourne cup. So in the morning at Royal Ascot, the gates are always open by the Yeoman Prickers, who are the traditional stewards, clad in green, the Yeoman Prickers, they’ve been doing that since 1711. Why would you think they’re called Yeoman Prickers?

Dom Knight: Well, I’m assuming, I’m pretty sure it’s because they hold pitchforks and they have to prick the peasants to sort of keep them out as they open the gates.

Andrew Hansen: And nowadays it’s just members of the public they prick.

Dom Knight: Yeah.

Charles Firth: I was going to guess that they’re the ones who get the gee-gee’s started. Now I wondered if they little toothpicks and they just jab it into the backside of the horses, get them going around the track a bit faster. Is that right?

Dom Knight: Charles is absolutely correct. When it was started in 1711, Queen Anne founded Royal Ascot, and she got all these stewards. She dressed them in green and gave them all sharp pricking devices to make sure that the peasants stayed off the track, but also to move them out of her way. So when she walked around, all the people in green had these sharp objects to move people out of the way, that’s absolutely true. [inaudible 00:06:32]

Charles Firth: That is great. I love it. Then he said true, ah man.

Dom Knight: If you’d been born into a better family, Charles, you could have been a Yeoman Pricker.

Charles Firth: Why don’t we have them at the Melbourne cup?

Dom Knight: We’ve just got pricks at the Melbourne Cup.

Charles Firth: Now look, one of the major elements of Royal Ascot. I mean, we know that racing is really about dressing up, but it’s quite something at Royal Ascot, of course, because the Queen is there. There is a dress guide that you can get to explain what you have to wear. It’s 36 pages to explain how you’ve got to wear…

Dom Knight: What?

Charles Firth: And it’s quite extraordinary. So there are different enclosures with different dress codes. The Royal enclosure, of course, is the poshest of all. What do you think men have to wear? If you were going to go and spend a day in the same area as the Royal family, what do you think the dress code is for men?

Andrew Hansen: I reckon I know this one as well. Which is, I reckon it’s no thongs, and you’ve got to have a tee shirt on. We’re talking Royalty here, Charles.

Charles Firth: It’s slightly posher than that Charles, slightly posher. Well, I think Harry often dresses in the way that you described to be honest.

Andrew Hansen: Well, I mean, if it is a Royal family dress code, Nazi outfits, is that what you’re expecting them to rock up in?

Charles Firth: Well, interestingly, actually in my research, in 1947, you could wear military dress to a Royal Ascot, but unfortunately not anymore. If you want to go, I’m not making this up, you have to wear a top hat. You absolutely…

Andrew Hansen: You have to.

Charles Firth: You can’t get in the door without a top hat.

Andrew Hansen: But a top hat’s a comedy outfit. You can only buy them in a joke shop.

Charles Firth: That’s right.

Andrew Hansen: You a spotlight.

Charles Firth: That’s right.

Andrew Hansen: You’re going to get a spotlight and get children’s magicians uniform and then turn up.

Charles Firth: Yes. You pull one of those pricking devices out of your hat. No, so you have to wear one of those very fancy morning suit things. It’s got to be black, gray or navy, that’s all.

Andrew Hansen: Ah, that’s a shame. I was having to wear my pink top hat this year.

Charles Firth: But the other thing is, women, and the rule for women, they’re all for women, there’s a few as well. They must have dresses that fall just above the knee. No higher. The straps must be at least an inch wide, and your hat, you have to have a hat, and its base must be four inches or more. So no fascinators for the Royals.

Andrew Hansen: Ah, four inches. What’s that? A 10 centimeter brim. Well, this is just being sun safe, I suppose. Isn’t it?

Charles Firth: Actually, you know what, Dom? I don’t think many people are interested in the dress code. I think actually it’s just posh people who are interested in the dress code.

Dom Knight: That is true.

Andrew Hansen: It’s the talk of the town, Charles. Down at the pub, that’s what’s everyone’s on about. “Did you see what the Duke of Northumberland was wearing at the Royal Ascot, mate? I’d love to get me one of those top hats.”

Charles Firth: The highlight of every day at Royal Ascot, and this happens five days in a row, so that’s five Melbourne Cups back to back. The Royal family’s procession arrives from Windsor Castle, so which is nearby at 2:00 PM sharp. How do they get there do you think? How do they waltz in?

Andrew Hansen: Oh, on the back of a corgi.

Dom Knight: I actually think it’ll be something like, they get the local, most pregnant women in the town and they ride on the back of them or something.

Charles Firth: That would be wonderful. No, it’s an open horse and carriage and they’re trundling…

Dom Knight: How boring!

Charles Firth: And the Queen is, always four white horses, because it’ll be white. It’s the Royal family.

Dom Knight: No, hang on. On the open carriage, wouldn’t their top hats blow off as they’re riding along?

Charles Firth: But it’s England. There’s no weather. There’s just a light rain.

Andrew Hansen: So four white horses, this is terrible. They’re so uninclusive, the Royal family, that even the horses have to all be white.

Charles Firth: That’s right. That’s what they do. What is it traditional to shout when the Queen’s carriage passes by at Royal Ascot?

Dom Knight: Traditional to shout?

Charles Firth: This is true. This is apparently when you have to shout as the queen goes by, “On you, mate!” “Here’s to Lizzy, she’s true blue.” No, no. One shouts, “Hip hip hooray!”

Dom Knight: No. Hip hip hooray? No, people really don’t shout that. Real people do not shout, “Hip hip hooray!”

Charles Firth: They do.

Dom Knight: Surely. Please tell me that is not true. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Hip hip hooray!”

Charles Firth: Well, you’ve never been to Royal Ascot. The carriage arriving really is the big event of the day, because along with the horses and the winners, you can actually bet on something to do with the Royal family every single day. You can place a bet, and this really is probably the most betted on thing other than the big race, the Gold Cup. What do you think people bet on about the Royal family every single day?

Andrew Hansen: Whether the Prince Andrew killed Jeffrey Epstein.

Charles Firth: That’s this year probably.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah, the odds are too short to way.

Charles Firth: Yeah. Why would you? Do you bet on the number of horrendously offensive racist comments made by Prince Philip during the hour?

Dom Knight: No, it’s got to be sport, isn’t it? And Fox hunting’s been banned, isn’t it? So it’ll be something like peasant running or something like that.

Charles Firth: Yes. The local peasants race down the track and the Royals just get out their hunting rifles and…

Andrew Hansen: They had the prickers waiting for them at the other end, so they escape the bullets, the get pricked to death when they cross the finish line.

Charles Firth: Not quite. I’m going to let the commentators talk you through this and just get a sense of how excited they are about every day’s biggest bet.

Audio clip: Here comes that moment, Charlotte. Here she is.

Audio clip: Oh, I love it. We’re all waiting aren’t we? To see what color the Queen will be wearing. Look at her, as ever she’s looking glorious.

Audio clip: She looks wonderful, and I can reveal her Majesty is wearing an Angela Kelly outfit and hat. The coat is in cornflower blue, and it’s made of double crepe material.

Charles Firth: So people drop a fuckton of money on what color the Queen is going to wear at the races. Every day they bet she wears different.

Audio clip: Really?

Charles Firth: Yup.

Dom Knight: You know, I have a sneaking suspicion I now know why Queen Elizabeth is so rich.

Charles Firth: You reckon she gets a cut?

Dom Knight: Yeah, well, no, I reckon she just bets on herself.

Charles Firth: Oh, she bets on herself, of course, she’s got insider knowledge, doesn’t she?

Andrew Hansen: I wonder if she tries to really throw them, like she probably gets up in the morning and puts on some really multicolored rainbow suit and thinks, “This will fuck them.”

Charles Firth: She does. Last year she shocked everyone, because she wore two days of blue in a row, which she’s never done, and then gray. She never wears gray. So she’s clearly in on it.

Andrew Hansen: She’s mucking them around. Is this part of Sportsbet? Can you bet on this on Sportsbet? Is this like a…

Charles Firth: You can. You absolutely can bet on it, and people do. Now, those not dining in the Royal enclosure eat in the car park, which doesn’t sound posh, but there’s a competition to see who can have the fanciest picnics. They have silver service, candelabras and butlers. I shit you not, there are butlers in the car park. How long do you think it takes to get a car space at Royal Ascot? It’s a family thing. You get one for your family. How long do you think it takes to get a spot in that prestigious car park?

Andrew Hansen: It couldn’t be as bad as Westfield.

Charles Firth: It is 100 years.

Andrew Hansen: What?

Charles Firth: It takes 100 years to get a car spot.

Andrew Hansen: A hundred years to get a car space? But, what?

Charles Firth: A hundred years to get a car space.

Dom Knight: It’s actually a horse and carriage space, I think it is. The people who signed up for it, actually going, “What? It’s a car space? I signed up for a horse space.”

Andrew Hansen: That’s true. Haven’t cars only been around roughly that long? When the first car rolled off the production line, somebody booked a space, and it’s only ready now just in time for the pandemic as well. “I can’t even go, I parked my car in front of my webcam.”

Charles Firth: But look, along with the dressing up and the guessing what color hat her Majesty wears. The real event, the most exciting event is this.

Audio clip: Alcohol can certainly raise tensions. A student, Meghan Agnew found out working behind the bar at Royal Ascot last year.

Audio clip: So there are people falling in the road. People half naked, vomiting, fights as you’d expect from a whole day of drinking.

Charles Firth: So, that’s exactly like our Melbourne Cup in many ways. You can bring in a bottle of champagne per person via the Royal enclosure, and how many bottles of champagne do you think they consume during the course of Royal Ascot? How many bottles of champers go down over the five days?

Dom Knight: Well, that’s a trick question, isn’t it? Because they just fill all the champagne bottles with gin and they just drink straight gin.

Andrew Hansen: That might be one. I’m going to guess five days of the big, big racing event. I’m going to guess and say, a million bottles of champagne, if Prince Harry is there, 3 million.

Charles Firth: 56,000 bottles of champagne. 44,000 wine bottles. 21,000 jugs of Pimms, Sorry. 21,000 jugs of Pimms and 60,000 finger sandwiches.

Andrew Hansen: And how many [inaudible 00:15:52]?

Charles Firth: I don’t think there are any.

Announcer: The Chaser Report, number 68.

Announcer: We know you live a busy life. So after you’ve listened to the other 67 better podcasts, turn to the 68th top podcast, The Chaser Report.

Andrew Hansen: Ah, the wisdom of celebrities guys, they’re still dishing it out in spades. You’ll be glad to know, thank God for this pandemic because we get to see so many celebrity isolation videos. This is my favorite part of the program. Are you ready, Dom and Charles? Let’s play the game it’s called, “Isolebrity!”

Andrew Hansen: Okay now, we’ve had a few famous actors on the show. Here’s another one. Now, they like to wax a bit lyrical, some of these actors. They get a bit poetic. Some of them in the past. We had Patrick Stewart, I think it was, wasn’t it? Doing some Shakespeare? I don’t know if you remember that.

Charles Firth: Yeah, can I ask, Andrew.

Andrew Hansen: Yeah.

Charles Firth: Why do they keep doing it? Every time a celebrity releases a video, they’re basically shamed out of existence.

Andrew Hansen: Well, they’re celebrities, Charles. I mean, you understand, you’re a celebrity, I’m a celebrity. We know what it’s like. You’ve got to continue to be relevant, that’s why they’re making Australia’s 68th most popular podcast right now, because we need to be heard.

Dom Knight: I’m surprised the two of you haven’t released more inspirational Instagram posts, I’ve got to say. There’s been no bath poetry.

Charles Firth: I’m just scared of getting into the segment, I don’t want to do that.

Andrew Hansen: All right, well, that’s speaking of which, let’s get in now. This is a beloved Australian actor, and he starred in several hit Australian TV shows. I’m sure you’d know him. And in lockdown, he has been writing and performing his very own poems as a treat for us all. Now let’s have a listen to my favorite one. What do you make of the opening line?

Actor: A little poem about being together. Let me touch your finger, love.

Dom Knight: How romantic.

Andrew Hansen: Romantic, Domi, yes. Tell me, Domi, why do you think this actor wants to touch his girlfriend’s finger so badly?

Dom Knight: Well, I’m thinking to pull it so she can fart.

Andrew Hansen: Well, maybe. Maybe he’s got a bloated girlfriend. I mean, it’s isolation. She might be eating differently. I think we need to guess who the actor is. So let’s hear the rest of the poem, which will answer the mystery of the finger question, and let you guess who the actor is. Let’s hear it.

Actor: Hold me in your hand. I’m so afraid of being me, although, I am a man. When I can be with you, my love, I do not think at all. I’m sure I am in ecstasy and not afraid to fall. I’m tired of chasing butterflies around a prickly tree. So please, just hold my finger, love. So me, can be just, we.

Charles Firth: When I think Australians, or at least people who live here who write shit poetry, celebrities, I think Russell Crowe. But that doesn’t sound like Rusty.

Andrew Hansen: No, that wasn’t Russel Crowe. I reckon I know who he is.

Charles Firth: Who?

Andrew Hansen: I reckon it’s Steve Beasley.

Charles Firth: That’s not a bad guest, but it’s not a correct guest. Incorrect. Domi, do you want to have a shot? The Australian actor known for several hit shows here.

Dom Knight: Oh God. I mean…

Charles Firth: Drama series.

Dom Knight: Yeah. I’m sort of thinking like Jack Thompson type person, but I’m not sure. What about Colin Friels? Is it Colin Friels?

Charles Firth: I’ll give you a hint. It’s exactly the same name as one of our prime ministers, but it’s not Scott Morrison.

Andrew Hansen: Ah, right.

Dom Knight: Oh, John Howard.

Charles Firth: John Howard.

Dom Knight: Yeah, yeah.

Andrew Hansen: John Howard.

Charles Firth: Poor man. What it’s done to his head being called John Howard all these years.

Andrew Hansen: You know what I’ve heard about John Howard? He’s into finger touching. It’s disgusting. I never know where he’s going to put his prickly tree next. All right, next isolebrity. All right. Now this person, you’ll be glad to know is a supermodel, best known like all models for appearing in Sports Illustrated. Now, she’s been very careful about COVID this model, so much so that she got tested, and like any good celebrity, she posted a video of the test. Now have either of you guys had the… I think Charles, you mentioned somebody in your family’s had the test and it was horrible, right?

Charles Firth: Yeah. Both my wife had the test and she described it as nose sex, but not as good, and then my son, my little nine year old son, poor thing had to have the test, and he said it was like having his throat cut out.

Andrew Hansen: Ooh.

Dom Knight: I’ve had it. It feels a lot like the actor John Howard ramming his finger down the back of your nose. So it’s good in some ways.

Andrew Hansen: Is it like a deep pick?

Dom Knight: It goes so far beyond just a pick. There’s a whole lot back, it goes all the way back, and it’s kind of like a giant full head sneeze. You know that sneeze feeling? But for a very long time.

Andrew Hansen: Well, look, I think you guys are all a bit wussy, because let’s just have a listen to how this model reacts to a doctor shoving a COVID nasal swab up her nose.

Speaker 7: One, two, three. One more time.

Speaker 8: It’s not bad at all.

Speaker 7: Oh, okay.

Speaker 8: Really.

Speaker 7: I like hearing that.

Speaker 8: It tickles.

Speaker 7: It’s like a weird tickle. I’ve never had a patient…

Andrew Hansen: There you go. I mean, it’s a bit of truncated clip, but that’s what she posted on her Twitter, and so you know all this whingeing I hear…

Dom Knight: Well, if you’re a supermodel, Andrew, if you’re a supermodel, you constantly shove things up your nose. Like your nose is just constantly powder, small babies. Everything goes up the nostril.

Andrew Hansen: It’s probably been widened a bit by all those powders, isn’t it?

Charles Firth: Clearly this supermodel is into no sex. It’s clearly what’s going on.

Andrew Hansen: Well, can you identify who this nose sex enjoying supermodel is, Charles? Who is it?

Charles Firth: No. I don’t think I can name a single supermodel. Unless it’s like Cindy Crawford or someone who’s now about 80s, 70s…

Dom Knight: Someone from the 90s.

Charles Firth: And 90s too, Elle McPherson or…

Andrew Hansen: Well, look. I don’t know. Maybe they’re not called supermodels anymore. She might just be a model for all I know. But she’s got 3 million followers on Instagram.

Charles Firth: Is it one of the Hadid’s?

Andrew Hansen: No. It’s not one of the Hadid’s.

Charles Firth: One of the Jenner’s?

Andrew Hansen: No. Look, I think you need another clue, don’t you? Now surely, Domi and Charles, surely your homes are well-stocked with this model’s new range of homeware products. I mean, surely you’ve got them in your house. If you were a supermodel, Domi, what home ware product would you release?

Dom Knight: Well, I mean, I obviously want to release some kind of vaginal quartz egg, but I’d be very sad that Gwyneth got there first.

Andrew Hansen: Charles?

Charles Firth: Well, clearly you should have grills, like a sort of grill. Because then your slogan can be, “Smoking.” Because you’re smoking hot and everything. No?

Dom Knight: Oh God like George Foreman?

Charles Firth: Yeah, like a George Foreman grill, but done by celebrities. [crosstalk 00:23:02].

Andrew Hansen: That would appeal to people who are like 70 years old and think that smoking is a term for a hot person nowadays.

Dom Knight: My terrible quartz idea was better than that.

Andrew Hansen: All right. Well look, why don’t we look at one more video. Now, this is an Instagram winner, this one. Charles, if you were a supermodel, Charles, fair to say you’re a long way off, but if you were, and if you wanted to rack up some followers on your Insta, what should you do?

Charles Firth: Well, the obvious thing is you just release a cleavage video.

Andrew Hansen: Well, you could do that. You’re not so far off.

Charles Firth: That’s what I do. I put out little cleavage shots.

Andrew Hansen: Fantastic. [crosstalk 00:23:45].

Dom Knight: Very alluring.

Charles Firth: And I’ve got dozens of followers.

Andrew Hansen: All tuning in for your ginger vale? Fantastic. Domi, any tips for?

Dom Knight: Well, I had [inaudible 00:23:59] top of my list. But the other thing I like is bullshit platitudes. So I think both together would be the way to go, a bumper sticker.

Andrew Hansen: The bumper sticker. Or you could do what this model has done, which is give us a look in your sock drawer.

Audio clip: I see this every day in my hair drawer, and I just think it’s so funny. I think John and I were in London or, but Allana and Christine got us like a sexy time kit, and it had sexy dice in it and nipple pasties and cock rings, and I just think it’s so funny every morning when I go to reach my rubber bands, I see this cock ring. It’s not a rubber band, stop putting it in there.

Charles Firth: Hashtag oversharing.

Dom Knight: Nobody wants to see that drawer, or maybe they do. She’s got 3 million followers. People who want to see this thing.

Andrew Hansen: My question is, what is a nipple pasty?

Charles Firth: Oh, aren’t they those things that old school strippers used to wear?

Andrew Hansen: Oh, right.

Charles Firth: With the tassels.

Andrew Hansen: So it’s not like a Cornish pasty?

Dom Knight: It could be.

Charles Firth: No, no nipple pasties are the things you put on that are like band aids. You put them over your nipples. So then if you’re going out in a sort of fairly revealing, top your nipples don’t just burst through the fabric.

Dom Knight: It’s burlesque. I’ve got some on now, actually. Just jingle them, there you go.

Andrew Hansen: Ah, that’s why I can’t see your nips. Yeah. Okay. Well I’m glad you guys know so much about it. All right. Well, I’m getting the sense that you have no idea who this model is.

Charles Firth: No, and even when you reveal it, we’ll go, “Oh really? We’ve never heard of her.”

Dom Knight: There’s a miscalculation here…

Andrew Hansen: Have you ever heard of a massively popular model? And I got to admit, I’d never heard of her either before I researched this, named Chrissy Teigen.

Dom Knight: Oh yes. She’s married to John Legend. I have heard of her.

Andrew Hansen: Ah, yes! Well done, Domi. I think Domi is the winner. Domi is the winner.

Dom Knight: She’s great.

Charles Firth: I love how you define her by her relationship to a man, Dom.

Dom Knight: It’s because she and John legend get into Twitter disputes with Donald Trump. It’s great fun [crosstalk 00:00:26:14].

Andrew Hansen: Ah, well, there you go. Okay. Well, it is Chrissy Teigen. And of course, whenever Chrissy Teigen pulls out one of the naughty objects from her drawer. Domi, speaking of her husband, her husband, John legend, always kicks things off with this classic pickup line.

John Howard: Let me touch your finger, love.

Dom Knight: Legend.

Announcer: The Chaser Report, number 68. This week’s Chaser Report is sponsored by The Chaser Report, still the 68th.

Charles Firth: Hey guys, you know how when you’re playing monopoly, the best card to get is the bank error in your favor card where you get like 200 bucks.

Dom Knight: Yes.

Andrew Hansen: Never happens.

Charles Firth: No, it never happens in real life, or so I thought. You sort of think because nowadays banks are all digital, there’s no such thing as a bank error anymore, and they’re not going to give you the money anyway, but yesterday I received this, is honestly true, letter from Bankwest saying, “Following a recent review of your previously held Bankwest breeze platinum MasterCard, blah, blah, blah, blah. It appears that when your account was transferred to a Bankwest more platinum MasterCard, an incorrect interest rate was applied to your remaining balance as such, please find an attached cheque for $143,30.”

Andrew Hansen: No.

Charles Firth: It’s true.

Andrew Hansen: This doesn’t happen.

Charles Firth: It is!

Andrew Hansen: This doesn’t happen.

Charles Firth: I had a bank error in my favor.

Andrew Hansen: What?

Charles Firth: I know, I know, it’s amazing.

Andrew Hansen: You haven’t come second in a beauty contest this week as well, have you?

Charles Firth: Actually, I did! So I went to the bank yesterday, because I don’t actually bank with Bankwest, I bank with the Commonwealth bank, and had to like tear off the cheque, like a physical cheque and give it to them. I have banked the money.

Dom Knight: Do you remember where your branch was? I couldn’t tell you where the branch was.

Charles Firth: I think they’re all mostly closed. No, I used one of those trendy ATM’s that you can use for money laundering.

Dom Knight: Oh, so it’s still a machine.

Charles Firth: It all digital. But anyway, it seems like a very unlikely thing to happen. Do you know what the most unlikely thing about this whole story is though? Is that I have never had a Bankwest breeze platinum MasterCard. Nor have I had a Bankwest more platinum MasterCard. I have never had a Bankwest credit card of any type.

Dom Knight: I would love to have been a fly on the wall for that review.

Andrew Hansen: This is a pretty major bank error in your favor. [crosstalk 00:28:43]

Charles Firth: I mean, she can’t ask my major question, which is what’s the difference between a Bankwest platinum MasterCard and a Bankwest more platinum MasterCard? How is that even a thing?

Andrew Hansen: It’s obvious. One of them has got more platinum than the other.

Charles Firth: But also, doesn’t it suggest that the platinum one that I originally was sold, which I obviously didn’t have, was not very platinum. They then marketed one called more platinum.

Dom Knight: Yeah. They done it to you with a not very platinum, platinum MasterCard.

Charles Firth: I have been a recipient, not of a bank error in my favor, but it’s a bank error error, because it’s an error about their own bank error.

Dom Knight: And Charles, sometimes in the news, there are stories about people who have $6 million accidentally credited to their account. And the common theme of all of those stories is that they start spending the money hand over fist and then have to pay it all back. So are you good for $143 to pay back Bankwest?

Charles Firth: No. I’ve spent it all because Fortnite came out yesterday, and the kids insisted on buying all the V-Bucks. So, I’ve blown the whole $143 already on V-Bucks. I’m penniless.

Dom Knight: Hang on. What is a V-Buck? And is it more or less plausible that a Bankwest more platinum MasterCard?

Charles Firth: V-Bucks, you know V-Bucks? It’s the way, I’m sure most of the global economy is now V-Bucks, because everyone’s been playing Fortnite in lockdown. I think there’s a trillion people who play each afternoon Fortnight, and they all have to buy V-Bucks if they want fancy blings and emotes and stuff like that.

Andrew Hansen: Oh, well, no wonder you’ve spent all the money on that, that sounds pretty sensible.

Charles Firth: It’s very sensible.

Andrew Hansen: Absolutely. Don’t worry, Charles, because I’ve got an idea. If you find that the bank comes knocking at your door, and you can’t pay that money back, all you need to do is get a Bankwest more platinum credit card.

Charles Firth: Exactly.

Andrew Hansen: And then what you need to do is hold out for a letter that said, “We’ve made a terrible mistake in your upgrade to a Bankwest more, more, even more platinum MasterCard.”

Announcer: The Chaser Report, number 68. Is your favorite number 68? Get in line because we’re number 68, The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth: Well, that’s it for this week and… Oh wait a minute. There’s some breaking news from Rebecca De Unamuno.

Rebecca De Unamuno: Yes. Breaking news just in that there is no new news to report. We’ll keep you up to date with all the developments in this breaking story throughout the day, back to you, Charles.

Charles Firth: That was worth it. Anyway, that’s the end of the show. Subscribe to the podcast in your podcast app of choice. Thanks to Mike Liberale who’s our producer. Catch us on Chaser to [inaudible 00:31:28] on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and tic-tok, and subscribe to our weekly newsletter, The Chaser weakly, that’s weakly, W-E-A-K-L-Y. We’re going to leave you today with an exciting new podcast that I think is going to do really well in next month’s podcast ranking.

Announcer: The Chaser Report, number 68.

Guy: Hi, I’m a guy and I’d like to tell you about my new podcast, “Podcast by a guy who doesn’t have a proper microphone.” In my podcast I discuss lots of things. Most of which you won’t actually be able to hear properly, including accidentally putting your finger over the microphone. Plus, do you have your mouth too close to the microphone? Also, bad editing techniques. I discuss when is the right time to cut the line? And when is the… That’s the podcast by a guy and he doesn’t have a proper microphone podcast. I haven’t managed to upload it to Apple yet, but it is available on my SoundCloud, which is at soundcloud.com/h28DUtyze8hfGH9kd0.