Prime Minister Scott Morrison has praised the Japanese Olympic village’s new ‘anti-sex beds’ for athletes. The beds that are made of carboard and designed to fall apart if shaken, are being used in the Olympic village in order to try make the event as covid safe as possible due to previous Olympic villages being the only place in the world that sees more action than an LNP desk.

The pm sat down with the only people in the country less deserving of their jobs than him, Kyle and Jackie-O to discuss the beds, “I thank the Japanese Olympics for this measure. What an amazing idea, if the beds weren’t recyclable they would be perfect in my eyes. Australia expects better from our athletes than to be having orgies in their bedrooms at the village, that is what the prayer room is for.”

“It is important that the athletes understand how important their job truly is to this nation. They can’t just take a holiday when they are meant to step up or pass the buck to someone else, no one else is in their position. What kind of message would it send to the world if our athletes were getting drunk at the village or just having massive orgies all the time. That is a place for competition, they are not in the workplace.”

“Athletes are there to be representatives for this country,” said Deputy PM and women’s taskforce member Barnaby Joyce, “and as a representative myself I have some advice for them. Make sure you get some good rest by sleeping at night before the big even, so keep the sex to business hours only. If your partner is busy at the time then just take care of the issue yourself if you know what I mean, by fucking a junior staffer. Worst comes to worst, you can always cum on a desk.”

In response an representative for the athletes has told us they are thankful for the advice but are choosing to go a different route instead, “yeah we’re just gonna fuck on the floor, beds are too small for this many people anyway.”