Pretend Senate candidate and pretend Doctor, Mehmet Oz, appeared on his usual daytime TV slot today promoting a miracle way to lose a senate election in just five months.“This tried and tested method is perfect for when you find yourself in over your head and needing to pump the brakes on people actually listening to you” he said excitedly. “I’ve used it myself, it works and here with me to talk to you about it is Elon Musk who funded the experiment and ran early trials on twitter.”“I knew that my pseudo-science and promotion of diet culture fads wouldn’t hold up if I had to actually make complex policy decisions, so I patented this sure-fire way to lose this election in anywhere from 5 months to just six weeks.”Oz says the method focuses mostly around barely having set foot in the area you’re campaigning for and making fun of your opponent having a stroke “that’s where you gotta be creative and take the opportunities to self sabotage where you can.”As a consolation prize Oz has secured a deal with Fox broadcasting where he will promote a variety of snake oils, injectable bleach, and horse dewormers on a regular basis.“I mean thank god I wasn’t actually elected!” smiled Oz after conceding today. “Can you imagine if a TV personality with 0 administrative experience got elected to such an important position! What would happen to our country?”
