Citizens across America have reacted with shock and amazement today after Senator and deshelled turtle Mitch McConnell announced he no longer supports the man who actively tried to overturn democracy by killing everyone in the senate.
“I can’t stand by and watch Donald Trump try to convince someone to shoot me,” said McConnell to shocked gasps from the press gallery. “What’s more I no longer support drinking poison, severing my coronary artery, or jumping head first into a wood chipper. Now don’t all Democrats praise me at once.”
However some cynical voters have questioned McConnell’s motives, stating that they couldn’t fathom why he might suddenly turn on Trump. “I can’t imagine for a second why McConnell wouldn’t want to have another 4 years of Republican rule while there’s a deadly pandemic killing more than 4000 Americans a day, the economy teeters on the brink of collapse, the country is on the brink of war with China, and a tax increase voted on by the Republicans are about to kick in for hundreds of thousands of poor, jobless Americans while the rich who have gained billions in wealth will not be affected,” said one commentator. “Can’t imagine for a second why they’d let the Democrats take credit for all that.”