Donald Trump’s miracle cure for the coronavirus has backfired after the medicine made him so well that he was immediately conscripted into the US Army.

During the Vietnam War, Mr Trump had his conscription deferred on medical grounds. But since taking hydroxychloroquine, doctors have told Mr Trump that he’s so goddam perfect that his deferment is no longer necessary.

Upon hearing that he’d been conscripted to the US Army, Mr Trump claimed that his bone spurs had flared up again. But a doctor on hand, Dr Fauci, told the army MPs that his denials were simply a delusional side effect of the hydroxychloroquine and should be ignored.