White House reassures public: “The President is not in control”

In a world overrun with bad news, some good news from The White House today, after it issued its most reassuring statement about the coronavirus crisis yet, stating that “President Trump is not in control of any aspect of the Government’s coronavirus response.”

The statement went on to distance The White House from President Trump. “We’ve heard of the guy. Maybe met him once or twice. We think he worked here for a short time. But he played a very limited role,” the statement said.

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The statement went on to say “We had a falling out with him a while ago. We were not a fan of him, we can tell you.”

The statement comes after a series of statements by President Trump implying the virus was less of a threat than the seasonal flu. Ever since then, White House officials have reportedly been urging Trump to embark on a “handshake tour” of the affected areas. “It’ll be a great photo opportunity,” they told Mr Trump.

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